Things you never wanted to know about Mike Hoffmann

BIRTH

Mike was born in a hospital. His mother was female and his father was male, both were able to pass themselves off as humans. From his parents, Mike inherited the usual number of appendages and internal organs.

CHILDHOOD

As Mike grew older, he also grew larger. The upward growth stopped sometime in his adolescence, but the outward growth continues to this very day.

HOBBIES AND INTERESTS

Mike is interested in eating food, breathing air, and drinking fluids (especially fermented ones).

LIFESTYLE

Mike spends most of the day awake, and can often be found sleeping at night.

EDUCATION

Mike went to college and got a degree in something or other, he isn't sure exactly what it is in or what it can be used for. He keeps it in a box in the closet, right next to the elephants.

PROFESSIONAL LIFE

Mike is currently campaigning for the office of Emperor of the Universe. If elected, he promises to provide every sentient being with a complete set of Barry Manilow CD's. As a consequence, he isn't doing very well in the polls.